Love will never tear us apart.

I hate that I am doing this,
I hate even more that I feel like I have to.
I wish I had the words to explain to you, why it has to be like this,
Right now.

You have told me that if you leave, you will be gone for good.
And I told you I understood
But I don't.
I don't think you will be, somewhere I think I know that.
And if it's false, then I just can't bring myself to believe it.

I may be walking myself into a trap,
But if I can hold off the pain now,
who is to say I won't be able to hold it off for longer?

I'm such a selfish thing.

We have something so special between us,
Yes Michael, I am talking about you.
But you deserve to have all of me, not the shattered pieces that I am now.

I wish I could ask for help with this,
But I can't, and I won't because I know, right now,
I am the only person that can start putting me back together.
After that, well, I don't know.

There will never be a good-bye for us.
This I know, I can feel it, deep inside of me.
Just a good-bye for now.

I wish I had a crystal ball, so I could show you, everything that I know.
So I could show you, how this is going to work,
So I could show you why we, why I need this.
I wish I could show you, how this is a good thing, disguised quite well.

"Your not good enough for him"
I knew this, from the moment we met, I didn't need to be told.
I was, and I know it's true
I only wish you could have seen it.
I wish you could have seen the filth in me.
But I just can't bear to show you,
Not now.

And even, if I am luring myself, into a false sense.
I know, that I will always have you in my heart.
That I will never be able to let go of.
I have given you, everything that I can right now.
I know it's not enough, broken girls should not try to do such things.

I will, one day, be able to give you everything I have.
Everything that is me.
But that day, is not now.

Just know, that no matter what, I will love you.
Always, and forever.
Just like I promised.

Fuuuuuck.

I wish I knew why my heart has been breaking in two.

Before I even made any decisions.

I wish I knew why I felt like this,
I wish I had answers for you.

I never wanted it to be like this.
I never wanted to hurt you.

But this has gone too far,
I feel like I'm drowning, like I'm being suffocated and smothered
All at the same time.

I can't do this right now, I'm sorry I didn't have things as figured out as you thought I did
I'm sorry I couldn't be the one to fix everything for you.

I wish I knew what was wrong with me.

Never.

I'm not giving up eight months for nothing

It's not over, not yet.

I'm not going out,
until I really am a broken wasted mess.
Until, I have given so much,
That I'm not even here anymore.

You see, this is just the beginning.

How do I just say

That I can't do this anymore.

I can't feel this pain anymore

I can't watch myself do this to you anymore.

I get it.

I'm selfish, Inconsiderate, self-centered, and Insensitive.

I get it, I don't talk, I don't do anything.

I get it, I look like a dead person, guess what?
I feel like one.

I get it, I'm horrible at everything.
I make you feel like shit.

I'm somehow tearing us apart, even though I'm trying so hard not to.

I get it okay.

Not that much.

We are lost.
In an endless void, of darkness.
There is no feeling there is no life.

Just a small flickering light,
that seems so far away.

I missed you. I just..
I just care I guess.

My heart beats just a little faster
And my life has just a little more colour.

I wish you could see it.

What Happens

I wish so much, that you didn't have to see me right now.
I wish so much, that no one had so see me when I feel like this.

I wish I could just go away, where I wouldn't be able to hurt anyone anymore.

What a horrible natural talent,
I don't want to do this to you,
Maybe it would be better if I just left.

Maybe then, you could find a way to be happy with out having someone
Tear you to shreds slowly,
How horrible you must think I am.

How did this happen?
How did I get to be this big of a mess?
How did I manage to make such a big mess of us.

What can you possibly still see in me, after I've done this.

Paper Walls

I'm not getting anywhere.

I don't want to be breaking this, but I know somehow I am.
Even though I'm trying so hard to make everything right,

All I am doing is making you hurt even more.

I don't want that, I never wanted that,

I was hoping so much, that I could figure myself out, before you even realized there was something wrong.
No one should gave to go through what I'm putting you through.
Not ever.

What I don't get is, you say that I am tearing you apart, you say I'm killing you.

What I really don't understand, is whats making you hold on.

I know if it was me, I would have left, Because I don't think you should have to suffer, for my faults.
You really are amazing.
I wish I knew, what to do, I wish I knew how to do this.

My face feels red,

And my heart beats just a little faster.

I have more pain inside of me, than you could ever imagine.

These questions, your slowly breaking inside of me.
So why am I still building?

I don't know how I am supposed to compromise.
We spend some time together, but how much is enough?
Maybe you don't need your alone time.
But I thrive off of mine.

Yes thrive. Its my own little space, where I sit and just be.
I just want to be able to have a little of my own space.
Some time where I can sit, and do whatever I feel like doing, without being guilty about it.
That's why it feels like this. Because I shouldn't feel guilty, for wanting some time to myself.
Its completely normal.
I know how unhealthy it is, no have no time to yourself. If you think things are bad now, imagine them worse.

If you take that away, you might as well just take away my very existence.

You shouldn't feel bad about this either, and you do I can tell.
And because you feel bad about this, I can tell that you also really don't understand, no matter how hard you are trying to.

You ask me, why its not the same as when we first met.
It's because then, I had my time, free of guilt. To do what I wanted.
To just be.

I'm trying, to keep both of us happy here.
Yes both of us.
And if it's not making you happy I wish you would tell me.
I don't want you to stay with me if you not happy, I don't care how much you hate being alone, you should never ever stay with someone who is making you miserable.

I bet you wish you never told me to be myself.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I'm sitting here in the dark.

and I can't figure this out,
Can someone tell my why I feel like this is out of my control?
Why I feel so helpless?
Can someone please tell me, why I feel so sad.


I feel so alone beside you, more alone that I feel sitting by myself.

I try, to talk to you, I really do, even if its not about much.
But as soon as I'm here, you turn the switch off.

There's icicles on the ceiling.

I know you want everything to be perfect right away, but don't you see?

I feel empty. Emptier than I have felt for a long time.
Do you know really, what this feels like? I want to curl up in a ball and let the world pass by. I don't want to have to worry about hurting anyone

I don't want to hurt you. some of this sadness, is because I know how much I am hurting you, but right now I can't do anything about it.

Its terribly hard to make someone happy, when you yourself are miserable.

As I sit here in the dark, its like a sanctuary. If only time did not move, and I could stay here. what would the shadows bring me I wonder.

I feel, so much, like this is entirely out of my hands, there's only so much I can do. and I feel like I have done it all. Its not enough, no not enough for you. Because to you it seems like I haven't done anything.

I don't understand, how there can be such a big difference in opinions, how can you think I have done nothing, when I feel like I have given everything I have. How can, it feel so different for us, when we are here together?

I know, I do know that this is not supposed to be easy, But I don't think its supposed to be this hard either.

I wish I knew, what to do.
Why is this happening?
Why are we falling apart?

The Ramblings of a Shadow

I suppose this begins at Atlas, and how they found out about the wall. I don't think boys are supposed to know about the wall, or at least, I've never found one that did.

He wants answers and I don't have any, I feel like I am swimming in my own head. I don't have answers for myself, how can I have them for anyone else?

I fell empty and dead inside. This is hard for me. I've always ran away, or thought I was the one running away, before this. I see now, It wasn't me who was running away, but being ran from. But thinking that your the one doing it, makes it easier to bear.

I feel like i have given all I have. I feel like there is nothing left to me. But that's not good enough. I haven't felt like this in a long time.

There is a bigger problem as to why I can't talk to him. But I'm still figuring out what it is. Or even where to find it. But I don't know how.

I don't know why he wants to talk sometimes. He says he feels satisfied with everything he knows about me. But he doesn't want to be satisfied with it? I don't get that part. not all all. You should either want to know more about someone or not. I want to know more about him. I have since we met and I know I don't know everything there is to know but I also know that whatever else is in there, is going to take a long time to come out, years maybe.

I am sure that even at the end of our lives, I still won't know everything and I'm okay with that. I learned that it's impossible to know everything about one single person.

All you can do, is learn enough about them, so that you can understand why they are the way they are. So you can understand their moods, and what to do when they feel a certain way, so that you can always be the one there, even if you don't understand, giving your silent support, and letting them know, that no matter what you will be there to help them in anyway.

But I can't seem to do even that part right for myself half the time, let alone for anyone else.

I wish I knew what I was so scared of.

Sometimes its hard to talk to him, because I feel like he doesn't understand me, that he can't understand me.

I don't want to stop trying, I just need to find something that we can both relate to.

No one ever told me about boys like you.

I used to be better at this, maybe I just had more patience. When we first me I could always tell when something was wrong, and even better, I always knew how to fix it, or at least how to make him feel better. Maybe I was the one that got impatient, but I don't think that after all this time, it should still take me multiple hours to get him to talk to me. I think that after all this time, he should be able to open up to me just a bit more, be able to talk to me, just a bit easier.

Or at least I wish that was the case. When he looks so upset, and feels so far away, I want to be far away. I've been told before that's not what he wants, but what he says and what it feels like are two very different things. And for someone like me, I have always trusted the way I feel, a lot more than any words that could spill out of another person's mouth.

But still, it feels really bad knowing that someone you love is in pain, and that there is nothing you can do about it. Nothing, because they don't feel like they can talk to you, and nothing, because if you can't tell me whats wrong, even a little, or whats bothering you, then I don't know how to help. I'm rendered useless.

Its a really empty space here, just sitting and waiting for something to happen, waiting for some kind of clue, some kind of anything, that could give me the go ahead.


I remember this one day, when I was little. Really little, I was still in elementary, the first elementary i had ever been to, and for anyone that knows how much my mom likes to move, that's saying a lot.
I don't remember much, just that it was very very cold out. It was long after school, long since everyone had gone home, even most of the teachers. I think it was getting late, it was getting dark. But I stood there patiently outside of my deserted school, because it was Wednesday.

This Wednesday, was the Wednesday I got to see my dad, the first time he had ever been allowed to pick me up from school. I didn't care that it was cold, or getting dark, or even that standing there felt so lonely, I just waiting, with a sick hopefulness rising up inside of me whenever a car drove past.

This was also the Wednesday, that my dad forgot about me. My mom picked me up that day, she had to run out of work, once she had found out. I remember she looked so angry, that I didn't even ask, why she was here, and Dad wasn't.

But Dad forgot. Just like that. Sometimes I wonder if he really did forget, or if he chose to. Is it so easy to forget your only daughter at school? Not only that, but he fought so hard for that right, I remember all the days mom was busy in court, because Dad was fighting, paying a lawyer and fighting in court, just so he could pick me up at school every other Wednesday.

And after all of that, after all he went through, he just forgot.
Was I just a toy that he used, in the midst of their divorce?
A prop perhaps, something, anything that could be used against my mother?


When I think about that, and then think about this, the feeling is the same. It feels empty and cold and lonely. And it makes me want to just go away. I know its not right, but I can't always help how I feel.

But I think my patience, is slowly running dry, and I'm scared of how little I might have left, because something is telling me that its not quite enough to get through this.

It's a one room city

When she was seven years old she saw a man shot but, uh
no one came for a long time,because it happened in a remote parking lot in Las Vegas.
and she was waiting for her mom, to come back from working the uh,
black jack table at the uh, circus circus casino and,
that night her mom said that the two of them and a now dead guy were the only three people who ever really lived in Las Vegas
Everybody else just arrived ate their complementary shrimp cocktail
and left.